Paranoia or jolly good security?
April 302010
As everybody is aware, Britannia faces her biggest challenge to national security since the abolition of corporal punishment……. THE KOREANS. For this reason I spend at least 14 hours of each and every day manning the watch tower at Clap trap castle effectively surveying the surrounding hills for suspicious activity. Armed with my trusty binoculars I have devised a 27 point observational checkpoint routine designed to detect the enemy at the earliest possible opportunity. I have 5 telephone hot lines connected and ready to deliver the first reports of the Koreans compromising The Yorkshire Dales to all relevant government offices.. I also have 270 remote controlled IEDs strategically placed at the most militarily advantageous positions in the hills ready to provide significant opposition to any advance into Clap trap Valley. I have also very carefully placed 588 land mines at the foot of the hillsides to greet any determined invaders who make it past the IEDS. oops, make that 587 ( there goes another cow) The turret also contains 3500 hand grenades, 15 bazookas, 3 missile launchers and a flame thrower. Lady Bumwobble Visited last evening to rescue her scorched nightmare of a cat Tiddles from the Clap trap well ( no idea how it arrived there!) and in her infinite wisdom did cast unfounded dispersions upon my efforts to protect us from a merciless eastern army intent on rape, pillage and baby burning. The dim battle axe actually accused me of "paranoia" and suggested that a CC TV system would be an adequate deterrent! Does this Bombastic blubber bubble honestly believe that if Hitler had faced CC TV in the Check republic it all could have been different what? So I ask the question, is it Really paranoia or Jolly good security?
General,
I am quite impressed! I perform a similar defense at Chesterfield Hall some years ago. I laid barbed wire across the field to my manor, and stood ready with my .50 calibre belt-fed, air cooled heavy machine gun. It was an early day in Octobre when I saw the enemy vehicle approach my estate. I called to my apprentice Marshall Fairfax and declared, "It’s the Zulus again! They’ve come back to claim the rest of me!" and immediately began firing on the enemy vehicle.
Marshall Fairfax was quick to begin feeding the belt and replacing the supply when the ammunition was spent. 5 minutes and two thousand shells later, the enemy vehicle exploded killing all enemy combatants inside and sending thousands of unsent letters and mail parcels flying.
I awarded myself the Victoria Cross for my heroism that day! Keep up the defense old chap!
Sir Harold Chesterhill of York
(dictated but not read)
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